Dueling is not for sissies

In the dictionary of synonyms, grief is defined as heartbroken, grieving, anguished, sad, or inconsolable. All these words defined me when my parents died. He didn’t know how he could deal with the pain he was feeling. I was afraid of dealing with the pain.

To say that grief is a difficult process is to minimize the state of grief. It is a process that has no time limit. You may feel very lonely while grieving. Grief can manifest itself in anger. Grief can affect your mood. Grief can easily turn into depression. You can have one of the above feelings or have all of these feelings at once. How do you handle this “grief” and does it continue to function in life?

They really put me to the test when five months after my mother’s funeral, I found myself at my father’s funeral. It was surreal. I hadn’t had enough time to mourn the loss of my mother when my father died. How was I going to survive without the “rock” and the “base” in my life? Was he a “sissy” and weak?

He had such a sense of finality, loss, and not knowing what to do next. My father was gone. My mother left. What would I do with myself now? I had spent the previous year taking care of my parents. All the difficult decisions affected my emotions. I felt empty, exhausted. Would she even have enough energy to cry? This was a test for which he was not prepared. How would a wimp like me survive?

He had to remember that it came from a strong stock. I had to take care of things. He had to remain the responsible person that he was. After their funerals, little did I know that there would still be things that needed to be taken care of and that would add to my stress. What would we do with all his clothes? What would you do with the car? What would we do with your house? What about all the family photos? What about all the furniture in the house? What about your bank accounts? What about your insurance policies?

After these logistical things were resolved, the pain was still there. I had to take time to cry and accept that grief was now going to be part of my life, for the rest of my life.
What I learned about complaints:
o You have to make time to cry. Find comfort in the moment you choose to cry.
o You have to cry your way. Some like to cry alone, others like to talk to their friends about their pain.
o No one will tell you to take all the time you need to cry. Society believes that we must get over our loss in six months or less.
o Grief occurs even if you are not prepared for it. You don’t choose when memories rush through your mind and you break down in tears. Let it be. You need liberation.
o Accept help from your family and friends. You are not alone in your pain.
o Talk about your pain and / or write about your pain.

I see the pain I feel as part of the process that must happen in my transition from son to wife, from mother to grandmother. In grief, there is a treasured memory of my special family and an acknowledgment that the memories must be passed on to my children and grandchildren. The legacy is special and more important than feeling like a “sissy” and not being able to face mortality.

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