Meeting needs is the key to happiness

The key to happiness is meeting our needs. Although codependents are very good at meeting other people’s needs, many have no idea of ​​their own needs. They have trouble identifying, expressing, and satisfying their needs and wants. They are usually very in tune with other people and can even anticipate your needs and wants. Over the years, they become so used to pleasing others that they lose connection with their own needs and wants.

This pattern begins in childhood, when our needs, especially our emotional ones, were ignored or embarrassed. As children we had to adjust to the needs of our parents, who may have been physically or mentally ill, addicted, or simply unavailable emotionally or physically. Some of us had to adjust to the wishes and expectations of a selfish or controlling parent just to survive. After a while, instead of feeling disappointed or embarrassed about not meeting our needs, we ignore them.

As adults, we cannot help but sacrifice our needs and wants in relationships, often at the expense of our own happiness. At first we may be motivated by love, but before long we feel resentful as our discontent and imbalance in the relationship grow. Without recovery, we can believe that the problem lies only with our selfish partner. If we leave the relationship but have not recovered, we are saddened to find that we do not know what we want or what to do with ourselves except to quickly enter another relationship. Otherwise, the underlying emptiness and depression that we were unaware of will emerge.

Why meeting needs is important

The reason it is important to meet our needs is because we feel emotional pain when they are not met. You may be in pain and not know why or what needs are not being met. When our needs are met, we feel happy, grateful, safe, loved, playful, alert, and calm. When they are not, we are sad, fearful, angry, tired, and alone. Think about how it meets or does not meet your needs, and what you could do to start meeting them. It is a simple formula, although difficult to carry out:

Meet our needs leads us to Feel good

Ignore our needs results Feel bad

Once you identify your emotions and needs, you can take responsibility for meeting them and feeling better. For example, if you are feeling sad, you may not realize that you are lonely and that you need a social connection. Even if it does, many codependents isolate rather than approach. Once you know the problem and the solution, you can take action by calling a friend or planning social activities.

Identification of necessities

We have many needs that you may not have considered. Although some of us are good at meeting physical needs, we may not be able to identify emotional needs if we ignore them. Here are some needs.

Mental: Knowledge, Awareness, Reflection, Clarity, Discernment, Stimulation, Learning and Understanding

Autonomy: Independence, Empowerment, Self-knowledge, Limits, Freedom, Solitude and Courage

Emotional: Acceptance, Affection, Being understood, Support, Trust, Nurturing, Love, Grief, Joy and Intimacy

Physical: Safety, shelter, medical care, water, air, sex, health, food, movement and pleasure

Integrity: Authenticity, Honesty, Justice-Equality, Trust, Meaning, Pride, Self-esteem, Appreciation, Values ​​and Self-esteem

Expression: Purpose, Personal Growth, Self-expression, Creativity, Humor, Play, Passion, Assertiveness and Goals

Social: Family, Friendship, Cooperation, Reciprocity, Community, Reliability, Communication, Generosity and Companionship

Spiritual: Meditation, Contemplation, Reverence, Peace, Order, Gratitude, Faith, Hope, Inspiration and Beauty

Identify your wishes

Some people recognize their wants, but not their needs, or vice versa, and can confuse them. If our desires were shamed as we grew up, if we were told that we should not want something, it is possible that we would have stopped wanting. Some parents give children what they think they should have or force them to do activities the parents want and not what the child would like. Instead of pursuing our own desires, we can adapt to what other people want. Do you resent someone for always getting their way, but don’t speak up and stand up for what you want? Make a wish list. Don’t restrict them by your current limitations.

Recovery

Recovery means implementing the positive needs formula above. It includes satisfying your healthy desires. We take responsibility for ourselves and develop enough self-esteem to make ourselves a priority.

First, you need to find out what you need and want. Then rate it. Think about why it is important. If we do not value a need, we will not be motivated to satisfy it. If he was embarrassed in childhood, we will assume that we can give him up. Many people do not fulfill their goals or dreams because they were ridiculed growing up. Similarly, if pain, sex, or play were embarrassed or discouraged, we might assume that these were not valid needs. Find out how to meet that need below.

Finally, some needs require courage to strive to meet them, such as self-expression, authenticity, independence, and setting limits. Other needs are interpersonal and require courage to ask other people to meet them. We can only do this if we value ourselves and our needs and feel entitled to have them met. It also helps you learn to be assertive.

Recovery requires encouragement and support from others, and usually counseling as well. This may seem overwhelming, but start each day by simply writing a journal and tuning in to your feelings and your body. Take the time to ask yourself what you want and need. Start listening and honoring yourself!

© DarleneLancer 2019