Why won’t the narcissistic psychopath leave me alone?
This is a common question among those who are thinking of leaving or have left an emotionally abusive partner (Narcissistic, Sociopath, Borderline, etc.) While there may be some exceptions, the main reason a Psychopath does not leave someone in peace is because your target has not implemented No Contact in its true form.
For example, I often read on forums that someone has been “no contact” for a number of days, but then gets a phone call, email, or Facebook message from the person they’re trying to get away from. which of course keeps them in a state of confusion and doubt. (The only reason an N-Ex should have an open line of communication is in the case of joint custody, and even then, there should only be one.)
If there is a way for the psychopath to contact you, then you haven’t gone contactless… you’ve gone “No Response,” which is different. Let’s talk about what contactless really means:
what is no contact IT IS
Contactless is: block your ex from your cell phone. There are a number of apps that will allow you to do this. “Mr Number” is great because you can set it to automatically hang up without going to voicemail.
No Contact – Block your ex from your email accounts. All of them. If you’re the type that needs to explain what you’re doing, send a final email and then block it. Don’t stay open to an answer because doing so will only lead to more craziness.
No contact is: Blocking your ex from their social networks. All of them. There is absolutely no reason to keep them on your “friends” list. This includes Facebook, Skype, Tango, VooLoo, Facetime, etc. Make a list of all the networks you use and remove Ex from all of them.
Contactless is: changing your cell phone number, if necessary, and only giving it to friends and family. It’s not your ex.
No contact is: don’t answer the door if they come. And they probably will. Don’t break down the door so you can tell them you’re following the No Contact rule. It backfires and shows Narc that they’re winning, which is all they want in the first place. If they insist, walk away from the door, go to your room, put on earplugs, sing a song or connect with headphones and your favorite song/meditation on YouTube. Pretend they are not there. If you start to worry about your safety, file a restraining order. You don’t need to tell them you’re going to do it, just do it.
Contactless is – Shred any letter received through the Postal Service. Don’t open them, just shred them. If you can’t bring yourself to do it, give them to a good friend to destroy. (If you have a custody agreement, have a trusted friend open the letter to determine if it’s a legal matter or just your attempt at Hoovering.)
Contactless is: Not responding to friends who send you requests for information.
Contactless is: Don’t accept new “friend requests” on social media, especially if it’s a non-image request and you’ve JUST been established.
what is no contact It is not:
No Contact Isn’t – Leaving them with full access to call you and decide whether or not to answer the phone when they call.
Contactless isn’t: Leaving them on your “friends” list on your social media so you can covertly show them how happy you are to make them jealous and/or miss them OR so you can post pretty pictures of yourself to make them notice. “regret” how they treated you.
No contact is not: ignore them for a few days to teach them a lesson and then let them in as if nothing happened.
No Contact Isn’t – Ask your mutual acquaintances about your ex so you can find out if they are dating again.
No Contact Isn’t – Send a message or text saying you’re going to go “No Contact” and then give in when they start having a fit. They will launch an attack. Save the drama. Keep those communication lines blocked.
No Contact Isn’t: Telling all your friends that you’ve gone no contact, but secretly contacting your ex because you’re embarrassed and ashamed of the truth.
There are usually three reasons why the psychopath can go through No Contact:
1) You really forgot about that Instagram account you hardly ever use and you find a message from your ex from two weeks ago.
2) Stalked you to your favorite coffee shop/restaurant/park, etc.
3) You secretly want the Ex to contact you.
If you find a message on a networking site that you rarely use, just delete it and delete/block Ex.
If they stalk you/follow you to a place you are visiting, you should let them know that you are not interested in continuing the relationship and ask them to leave you alone. If they resist, let them know you will involve the authorities if necessary. As a last resort, get back in your car, go home and call the police to file a report. It is important to establish the fact that you no longer wish to have contact with your ex in case your situation goes to court later, such as if you need to file a restraining/protective order.
If #3 resonates with you, it’s important to understand why the psychopath is trying to get back together with you. The following are common examples of why they do this (this is not a complete list):
Because they can: When you repeatedly allow the psychopath back into your life after blatant abuse and mistreatment, they will not only continue to abuse you, they will take it as a sign that you are willing to accept such abuse.
You’ve started to internalize their lies about you: After months and years of hearing that no one else would want you except for sex and money, you believe it’s true. Also, you believe their abusive descriptions of you, such as being too old, too fat, not smart enough, not pretty or handsome enough… think about it, would someone who loves you EVER say these things?
· Punish and destroy: they enjoy playing cat and mouse. Since you dared to set a limit, they want to show that they can not only violate it; they will destroy whatever self-esteem you have left at the time.
Many targets of emotional abuse feel that implementing No Contact and sticking with it is a cruel way to end the relationship. That’s because they are capable of feeling compassion and empathy for others. Psychopaths don’t. While you try to protect their feelings, they are plotting ways to make you pay for your No Contact decision, and you will only suffer more at their hands. Unfortunately, it is necessary to detach from your feelings of empathy and view No Contact as a way to escape abuse, begin recovery, and begin a path to a new life that will hopefully not include more abuse. Also, once the psycho finds a new supply source, he’ll discard you anyway.