5 ways to get your partner to stop yelling and start listening

Does any conversation with your partner seem like a shouting match?

Do you feel that your partner cannot (or does not want) to hear what you have to say?

Does your partner seem to yell at you more than he talks to you?

Yelling, yelling, and arguing happen. We all lose our cool from time to time and say things more harshly than we intended. Some of us try to keep our intense emotions in check, but then we have a major breakdown and we let it all out.

You may have for the most part been the recipient of your partner’s anger and yelling. Or it could be that they tend to get up to your intensity level and you both end up screaming.

While it is certainly not healthy to suppress your emotions or try to hide how you really feel, it is also not healthy or effective to communicate with your partner by yelling and yelling.

As you probably already know, when yelled at, it is almost impossible to really hear the meaning of the words yelled at. When you yell, it is also almost impossible to communicate and be heard.

If your partner has a habit of yelling at you and you’d like him to stop so the two of you can really communicate and connect, try these 5 tips …

# 1: Recognize your role.

It is seldom easy to acknowledge that you, too, play a role in the conflict that is occurring in your love relationship or marriage, but most likely you do. Have the courage to acknowledge the role you play.

It could be your tendency to become defensive, to shut up and remain silent, to criticize, blame, or judge. When you feel calm and clear-headed, remember the last time you and your partner had an argument or he or she yelled at you. If you were an observer observing this situation, what would you notice about how you usually act and react?

Make sure you take responsibility for your part and not for the whole dynamic. Acknowledging your role does NOT mean that you take the blame for your partner’s yelling, words, or actions.

# 2: disrupt the usual pattern and try something different.

Once you have a better idea of ​​what you typically do when your partner yells (or even before he yells), you can start to realize earlier when you do the things that fuel the contentious situation.

When you notice your own voice starting to rise or feel it shutting down and becoming silent, or whatever you do, then you may be interrupted midway. You can stop before the tension builds and the screaming starts (or continues).

As you do this, you can also try some new responses to your partner’s yelling or hostility.

# 3: Remember to breathe.

As mundane as it may sound, remembering to breathe in the midst of a tense or arguing moment can make a huge difference.

What often happens when a person feels threatened or tense is that they breathe more shallowly and quickly or even hold their breath. As a result, the entire physiological system becomes stiffer, adrenaline quickens, and there is a greater chance that the person will react rather than respond to whatever is happening.

The reaction is usually fight, flight, or freeze. These are life-saving reactions in certain situations, but never lead to connecting communication.

Remind yourself to breathe and slow and deepen your breath at all times, especially when you and your partner are in conflict or yelling.

# 4: Expect to be respected and heard.

Expectations are powerful. We wait for the sun to rise and then set each day. We expect our cars to transport us from one place to another.

And, over time, we develop expectations about ourselves and our partner.

You may have the expectation that your partner will yell at you and yell at you when you make a mistake or disappoint you in any way. You can expect your partner to ignore or not understand what you are trying to say.

Expectations are neither good nor bad, but they have a great influence on how we react to situations that arise.

If you are about to talk to your partner about a difficult topic and he or she has a history of yelling at you, you will likely approach these conversations expecting to be yelled at or a fight will break out.

There may be a long story that supports your expectations, or perhaps some prominent memories have made you believe that your partner will yell at you or not understand you.

Be cautious and aware, but also make sure you respond to what is happening in the present moment rather than reacting from the past and your expectations.

# 5: Create agreements and set limits.

When the two of you are calm, ask her to come to some agreements with you about how you will communicate with each other.

The key to creating deals that will actually bring improvement is making sure that both of you feel free to be honest and realistic in making them. An ultimatum is NOT an agreement. Once you’ve found the words for an agreement that you both agree on, make sure everyone understands the same thing.

There are times when you also need to set a limit. If your partner refuses to make (or follow) agreements with you, it might be time for you to make clear what you will and will not allow.

This requires you to affirm yourself the kind of respect and interaction you want in your relationship and then support that.