Active listening: a powerful technique to improve communication

Active listening is a term that could qualify as one of today’s buzzwords in certain circles. What exactly does it mean and why should anyone care?

Simply put, active listening is a technique that can be used to improve overall communication, gain a clearer understanding of a speaker’s message, and help the speaker feel like they are being heard. People have an intense need to feel heard. Some suggest that the need to be heard qualifies as one of our basic human needs because feeling heard can easily translate into a feeling of acceptance, recognition, and belonging. These feelings have been the subject of the psychology literature that examines basic human needs.

Generally, when one person talks to another, they expect the other to listen. This expectation is especially present during a conflict. How many of you have been in a meeting with someone or maybe just having lunch with a friend or colleague, and while you’re talking, the other person answers a phone call or checks their email or Facebook account? How do you feel when you are trying to communicate with someone and he/she seems more interested in texting or browsing the Internet?

I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that it probably doesn’t feel right. Why? Because the other person is not listening to you. He/she may be listening to you, however, he/she is not really listening to you. When this happens, you may feel like you’re not as important as a text message or the latest Tweet. You may feel disrespected or not recognized.

So what if that other person did the complete opposite and gave you their full attention when you spoke?

Your negative feeling of “he/she isn’t listening to me” or “I guess I’m not as important as his/her phone” could be transformed into a positive feeling of acceptance, recognition and belonging. When someone truly listens to you, they will give you their full attention. With very rare exceptions, a ringing phone or text message will not steal attention from you and your message. This is when active listening can be transformative.

To actively listen to another, the listener must focus 100% of their attention on the speaker and the message. There is no room for random thoughts about what you are going to cook for dinner or when you are going to go to the bank to find money for your child’s field trip tomorrow. Why? Because the active listener has to act in the communication. He/she is an active participant, not just a passive listener. Let’s see an example as follows:

Sally is having a hard time with her mother Judy. Sally doesn’t feel like her mother ever listens to her. Sally recently told her mother not to talk about the flowers that Sally received today from her new boyfriend. Judy nodded, indicating to Sally that she understood. Two minutes later, Judy strikes up a conversation with a neighbor and begins to tell the neighbor that her daughter got flowers from her new boyfriend. Sally throws a tantrum and yells at her mother, “You never listen to me. Why do I bother talking to you?”

If Judy had used active listening, she wouldn’t have just nodded to Sally when Sally asked her not to talk about the flowers. Rather, she Judy could have said, “It sounds like you’re telling me that when I talk to other people about your personal life you’re embarrassed. Is that right?”

So what did Judy do differently using active listening?

He listened to Sally’s message, interpreted what he heard, and told Sally in his own words. Finally, she Judy verified the accuracy of her understanding when she asked “Is that so?”

Imagine the feeling of recognition and acceptance one would feel when active listening is used. Having mediated legal disputes in Los Angeles County Superior Court as a volunteer mediator, I can personally attest to the benefit of active listening. Many parties have told me after a mediation, whether or not the dispute was resolved, that they felt that I really heard them and understood how they felt. That kind of feedback about my performance as a mediator is priceless!

So the next time you find yourself in a conversation with someone, try to actively listen. Try repeating back to the other person what she said, using her own words, and check the accuracy of her understanding by asking the other person if she understood it correctly. Active listening is likely to help you quickly become a more effective communicator. Give it a try!