Amber Wakes Dublin – A story with references to James Joyce

Amber Hiccums had had a great fall and winter in Paris and New York, and now spring was here in Ireland and she jumped out of the buggy to do a recce with her dear friends Harmie and Armie, Dublin’s most beloved couple. Harmonious Claribel Euphony was, by everyone’s reckoning, the greatest gentleman in Dublin. Some took it equally to the length and breadth of her, and her wife, Armonium Laribel Phonieux, the most sinuous, continuous, emphatic and plural of women. There were problems in Dublin. Before Amber could unpack or even lower her collar that she always pulled up, Armie grabbed her hand. “Let’s take a walk by the river, honey, and I’ll tell you.” We’ve had a serious robbery around here. A gang of four, perhaps more, have stolen the priceless viscount’s scepter and other treasures from the museum. We fear that thieves will get rid of the most precious stone, the famous Morken Diamond, as it would be recognized anywhere and therefore probably not cut into smaller gems. It would take a better knife blade than what they have to do it in any case.

–O rocks! Here are some blueprints, let’s skip some rocks. You know, it seems likely that there’s talk of unusual occurrences. Maybe we can hear some gossip if we take a walk in the park.

And so they went up this road and that road, stopping to sit here and there on the benches occupied by chatterboxes, some well dressed and others ragged. Several suspicious men and women passed by, glancing quickly at the stranger and then lowering their heads.

–Amber Hiccums, everyone thinks you’re a spy. Now that I think about it, they’re right. Don’t get too close to those bramble bushes, you mustn’t flay your coat. We’re not listening to much here, it’s not worth taking any longer, come on.

Harmonium Laribel Phonieux pushed Amber onto a streetcar and they headed to the Flowertown Bazaar.

“This is the happiest bazaar I’ve ever been to, Armie, it’s got everything!” I must get something for Raoul while I’m here.

–Watch out for the clay and you’re about to step on that potted ash tree.

–Forgiveness! Hey, check out that candle maker’s booth over there. There is a small cloud of wick smoke hanging above it.

–That’s where we’re going Ambo, here, let me introduce you to our most nosy operative, Icarious Uplump Stately.

“Aieeayoh, you scared me with your bloody wild dog. What happened to him?

“Wo, you sound like one of those sirens during the war. Old Bunk stuck his nose in the wrong bar and they dumped a box of dog biscuits on him. Pleased to meet you. Has Armie told you the plan?

“Not that you realize, I’m a…

No, no, we can’t talk here. I’ve already sold some candles, so I’ll close the shop for now and we’ll meet you two at noon on the clock. Bring Harmie and I’ll round up the rest.

Noon found them all crouched in a circle drawing diagrams in the sand and receiving assignments. Amber and Armie were sent to the Kidneyzod village because there had been a lot of spending seen there.

At 23 Enkeedoo St., next to the Gilgamishemishe Fountain, they found a gigantic curio sale. A mother and her brood, and actually all of her neighbors, were buying assorted sweets, rose bead necklaces, cheap little booklets of poems, CDs of The Ballad of Garry Owen. Oh the noise, the noise was enough to wake the dead.

oops! a child almost knocked me down. Well, bite my bunions!

Amber recognized the warm human fatness of a man showing off his money with great things to do. It was Harmonious Claribel Euphony, her friend who had left the meeting to go to Dalkey where she was thought to have seen some of the stolen loot.

“So, Harmie, you belong here at our research site and why are you just throwing away your money?”

–Shh… Cash will empty them. Go. Go, go, I hoped I wouldn’t find you.

–Okay, okay, I’m history, don’t blame me. Ppecmshdepoaufw! Don’t forget to flush. She acts like she’s trying to get over a nightmare.

Amber caught up with Armonium and the two headed to the brownstone bookstore to show what they hadn’t figured out to Icarious and his fellow counselor, Mr. Nolanetti.

Before they could reach the gate, a one-armed, wild-eyed fisherman brushed them aside and led them into a narrow path between two buildings. He growled menacingly.

“You’d better come with me if you want to save a life, you know.” This way.

Behind the bookstore was a square ditch to let the river flow in case the tide came in. Above that was a bridge to a courtyard with what appeared to be a storage shed. The fisherman pushed aside some moving rocks, opened the rickety door, and waved his remaining hand for them to enter. Amber tugged at her neck. She could barely see a tunnel, wet and close. They tiptoed for about a block and came to a cave-like room with a fire burning and several men sitting around it with their smoking pipes.

–Here they are, tell them the story.

–Hee Haw, you must be Amber, Harmonium I already know. Sit down ladies, the tea water is boiling. Here comes each a cup, and now the story. Not even two hours ago, one of our agents hiding behind a lamppost in the park, spied a group of two young women and three soldiers whispering paranoidly. He walked by casually and asked if anyone had a match by chance. Well, you should have listened to all the fancy excuses they came up with about why, where, and how nobody asked them what to do, right? So upset were they that they took a hostage, a little wandering muncher who was eating neither a candy bar nor a popsicle, but just a little potato, how harmless it was. As it happens, the girl is the very daughter of Martha Pandybat, the very secretary and keeper of the keys to our tiny museum. Then we got a letter saying we could get Martha’s girl back if we sent a courier with a sack full of money to 1132 Seashell St. right at the foot of the castle right at 7 p.m.

He clearly explained everything and showed them the note. Amber was not known to the rascals, so she was cast as the wanderer, with the idea that she would not pose a threat to them. Whoever she thought was missing more than one arm, but that was her decision and she was gone from her, with the invincible Armie following at a distance.

“How come Eagle-eye Armie is so far behind and how did I get into this mess, anyway?”

Seven in the morning was night. Amber arrived at the appointment with her bag in her hand and her collar turned up. This scheme was not well thought out. What was she supposed to do now? A tall, dark figure emerged from the shadows as the music of the zither hummed through the trees: dum da dum, da dummm, da dummmm. The person rushed forward and grabbed Amber’s bag and ran like the wind. Armie chased after him and shot him down just as she was about to slide into the train station. Amber and another member of the group that had been lurking near her joined Armie in holding down the scoundrel. A third man stopped at the rear. Fifteen minutes of intense questioning failed to reveal the whereabouts of Martha Pandybat’s son and the loot.

Amber headed off in the opposite direction, while the others wondered how to rescue Martha Pandybat’s daughter and the treasures. She knew what she was doing. About an hour later, Amber returned and woke up her friends and the rest of Dublin with a thunderous scream in the street.

“What was that terrible noise here on a Thursday?”

“I just needed to get your attention and I thought tap-tap-tapping wouldn’t do it. I’ve come back to tell you that the whole thing has been a hoax, robbery, kidnapping and ransom demands. Martha Pandybat herself is the ringleader of this group of thugs.

–Impossible! Martha could never be a criminal.

–She is not. None of these citizens is a true criminal. It was all arranged by the museum and the insurance company. The plan was to make the public believe that the scepter and other items were gone and that the replicas were in their display places. That way, the actual thieves would have no more interest in stealing them. This case is closed.

“But Amber Hiccums, everyone thought… no one could have… how…?”

“I saw it in his eyes while we were questioning him, so I went back and went into the museum room and searched the filing cabinets. I wrote a letter that explains everything. They were only paying the ransom to themselves and the boy was never in any danger. The police might say a word or two about the ruse, but our job is done.

Amber smoothed her always up collar,

“Armie, Harmie, it has been a great joy celebrating the resolution of this little mystery together and now summer is having the hiccups and I’m off to see Raoul, so beastly goodbye. I’ll see you in my dreamy dreams. I hate long goodbyes, yeah yeah yeah Yes bye.