How is it that some marriages recover quickly from an affair while others take a long time?

It is normal to discuss your marriage after your spouse has an affair. We examined it to determine what went wrong. And we go through it with a fine-tooth comb to determine if recovery is possible. To that end, we often end up comparing our marriage to the marriages of our parents, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances. Most of us know at least a few couples who have dealt with infidelity. So it’s natural to look at those marriages and make comparisons. Unfortunately, however, as an outside observer, it can sometimes seem like those marriages are healing more efficiently than ours, which can lead us to wonder why some marriages can move faster after infidelity.

Someone might say, “In fact, I have a handful of friends who have had marriages nearly ruined by a husband’s affair. Some of those friends got divorced on the fly because they didn’t want to deal with a cheating husband and just couldn’t imagine ever getting over it. One more eventually got divorced but actually put up with it for a year and a half trying to make it work Another couple had a rough few months but ultimately had a marriage getting better and better than before I am very close to this couple and to me, they actually seem blissfully happy now. Wife thinks life is too short to hold on to anger and seems able to let it go. Husband is remorseful and couldn’t be more devoted to her. I’ve been able to move on with very few bumps in my life. the road. Meanwhile, my husband and I struggle terribly. We have some good days now and then. But I can’t seem to control my anger and paranoia. I’m constantly worried of my husband cheating on me ain Meanwhile, my husband feels my constant gaze over his shoulder. It seems that we are angry and anxious most of the time. That being said, I think we’re both trying and we both really want things to work. But we don’t seem to be one of those couples who are going to bounce back quickly. What makes the difference between couples who are able to move on at the right time and those who aren’t?”

All couples and circumstances are different. And it’s really never a good idea to compare yourself to someone else. Appearances can be deceiving and you can never really walk in someone else’s shoes. With that being said, I do see some attributes that seem to be common to couples who tend to move on quickly. I will list them below. But I also want to emphasize that just because you think you’re not one of these couples, that doesn’t mean you can’t change things. You absolutely can. The fact that you can analyze the situation tells me that you have a lot of motivation to make the necessary changes. But you should never rush. This is a process. It is not instant. And sometimes if you rush, you leave yourself vulnerable later. Problems that were never resolved have a way of coming back to bite you later.

There is some external motivation to resolve things quickly and completely: I am very open about the fact that if my children had not motivated me from the beginning, I might not have given my husband another chance. I am the daughter of divorcees and I was very motivated that my children would never have to go through what I went through. At the same time, she also lived in a home with parents who fought all the time (before the divorce), so she knew that living in a volatile home wasn’t what she wanted either. Because of this, I was highly motivated to have not just a barely hanging marriage, but a healthy marriage that would set a good example for my children. This inspired me to work harder and open up more than I otherwise might have. Even if you don’t have children, try to find some motivation. Even if you think marriage should be forever or if you don’t want to just give up the marriage you’ve worked so hard for, find something that motivates you to keep going.

Both Spouses Have An Attitude Of Openness And Vulnerability: In my experience, one of the hardest things to do after an affair is to trust and become vulnerable again. It is very difficult not to always have suspicions and doubts. But when you experience constant doubt, especially in the long run, it can hurt your marriage. I have observed that couples who do and do it quickly actually make a conscious effort to allow their spouse to regain trust once he or she has earned it back. I’m not saying you have to have blind faith in your spouse the day after an affair. That is very unrealistic. But if over time her husband doesn’t give her any reason to doubt him and does what she promised, then I think she’ll want to give him the benefit of the doubt for the sake of her marriage. Trust me, I know it’s easy to give in to doubt. But if you get too paranoid, you see problems where they don’t really exist, and it hurts your marriage just as much as an affair.

A willingness to get help if needed: Recovery from an adventure is not easy. And very few of us are infidelity experts. Most of us try very hard, but we don’t always have the tools we need to overcome every obstacle. There is no shame in seeking help. In fact, many couples who recover efficiently get very good help. I know some of you don’t like the idea of ​​going to counseling, but know that there are some great self-help options out there. This is much better than just suffering when you are just failing or have hit a roadblock.