My estranged husband admits he misses me but can move on anyway

It’s always kind of a double-edged sword when you finally get your estranged spouse to admit that they love or miss you, only to hear a big “but” at the end of that sentence. Most devastating of all is that sometimes that “but” is connected with a phrase that alludes to the fact that the husband wants to continue with the separation or “move on” with her life. Sometimes, after the wife gets angry or presses him for more information, she stops short of saying that she wants a divorce right away. But she makes it clear that the separation will not end anytime soon.

Here is an example. A wife might say, “When my husband first insisted on a separation, he made it sound like he was going to have a slumber party with his brother for a while. I figured it would maybe last a couple of weekends until he eliminated his system’s need for space. But the weekends turned into weeks. And the weeks turned into months. Eventually, he got his own place and rarely saw his brother. We’ve been in touch all this time, but I often feel as if my husband is controlling his little sister instead of his wife. Sometimes he feels that he is only concerned about my well-being and safety, but not my feelings. Lately, I have become very discouraged with this and I commented that my own husband doesn’t even miss me. To my surprise, my husband was not only listening, but responded by assuring me that he DID miss me. For just a second, I was excited. But then my hopes were dashed when he went on and said, ‘I miss you. . But for now, I just want to move on. Of course, I panicked about this. I asked if ‘moving on’ meant a divorce. He assured that for now he did not mean that. But he was very careful to make it clear that he didn’t know what the future would hold for him. He said that, for now, he is content to live alone. I don’t know what to make of all this. His insistence that he misses me doesn’t seem so genuine right now. If he really missed me, would he really want to ‘move on’? Is he saying that he misses me to make me feel better?”

That is almost impossible to answer. I have met and conversed with many separated men (including my own husband). Honestly, your feelings and desires can be all over the place. One day they may be affectionate and nostalgic for their wives and the next day they want to avoid them. They may miss their wives desperately, but still feel like they need to continue the separation to see where it leads.

Why this conversation feels so important: I think most of us are very desperate for these answers because we want to know where it leaves us. In my own case, during my own separation, I constantly wanted to know what my husband was thinking and feeling because she wanted to know how much longer she would have to live alone. I suspect the same is true for you. What I learned was that the more I pushed my husband about this, the less he made immediate plans to come home. Your husband may be giving you the “move on” line right now because he’s trying not to push you about how much he misses you and where he wants to go from here.

I know this is a bitter pill to swallow. I struggled with that too. But as soon as I understood how damaging pressure can be, things changed for me. I decided that I would take the pressure off and focus on my own life for a while. I didn’t go out with other people. I never wanted that. I still consider myself married. But since I had no idea what tomorrow would hold for me, I decided to stop putting my life on hold. I went out with friends. Take classes. I read very dense books. I still kept in touch with my husband and it was still clear that she was engaged. But she wasn’t bothering him all the time anymore.

After he spent a bit of time with this new plan, things changed. My husband approached me. I think once the pressure was off he allowed himself to embrace his feelings for me, whereas before he felt the need to keep me at a distance because he was afraid I was going to push for a reconciliation that he wasn’t sure about yet. Due to this change, we finally reconciled.

Where am I going with this? I’m only throwing it in case the “forward” comment is intended to get you to stop pressing. I would suggest checking it back in and see what happens. What do you have to lose? You’ve been in close contact. She admitted that she misses you. And you’ve been communicating well and regularly. I would continue down that path and reduce all pressure for him to make his feelings and intentions clear to me, at least for a while.