My husband is mean to me during his midlife crisis, why?

Many of the wives who contact me are dealing with a husband who seems to be going through a mid-life crisis. This can be true whether there is a separation or not. These wives watch as her husband emotionally distances himself from his marriage, his spouse, and her family. They watch as her husband rejects what was once dear to him. They watch as she not only isolates herself, but sometimes lashes out at him for some imaginary offense the wife never committed. At first, the wife may try to ignore these slights. But over time, she can become harder and harder to deny.

You can even ask your husband if he has done something wrong. And he can deny that she is to blame. He can tell her it’s not her, it’s him. And yet he’s still emotionally cruel or even downright mean. She might explain, “I would never have described my husband as mean or cruel. In fact, his kindness was what drew me to him. He has always gone out of his way to show me how much he values ​​​for me. He has always been wonderfully sweet. But last year, things changed dramatically. It happened after his 50th birthday. My husband now questions everything. The things that used to satisfy him are no longer good enough for him. Many of his friends are starting their second marriages with older wives. young people. And I can’t help but notice that since all this started, my husband is very critical of me. He speaks to me in a sarcastic tone. He never used to challenge my judgments or opinions before. But now, he will act like I’m wrong or just like if he wasn’t very bright when he questions my ideals. It’s not a joke. In fact, there are times when it almost feels like an attack, like he’s criticizing or rejecting the values ​​we both used to hold depart. d this meanness. He denies that he did anything wrong. I have asked him and searched my memory to determine if there is anything he could have done. I keep coming out empty. I am at a loss. I think that I am a good wife who is mostly considerate and loving. So I don’t understand where this meanness comes from.”

Understand why you are fighting: I know it’s almost impossible not to take this personally. But sometimes, a man going through a midlife crisis will reject almost every part of his life, including his marriage, until he realizes that none of this will make things better. He will reject his old life and try new roles, desperately wanting to feel at peace again. There are times when this is a frustrating process. He is trying his hardest to find his place in the world while he is in middle age. It is unsettling to look around him and realize that he is well over halfway to mortality and that his time is short.

Part of the midlife crisis is desperately trying to figure out how you want to spend the time you have. There can be almost frantic juggling, as you try out new roles and temporarily pause or discard old ones. That’s no excuse, of course. But it’s the way a man often feels.

Why you may be seeing bad behavior: This discarding of the old or the comfortable may be the reason you see him remain aloof and act up. He’s still not sure where you fit into this new life. So he’s emotionally distancing himself until he realizes everything. Meanness could well be born out of frustration. You expect to feel better, but you haven’t gotten the relief you hoped for. There are moments in the process where men feel like an old fool instead of a reborn person (as they expected). This can mean that anyone nearby feels the brunt of this disappointment.

I’m not defending middle-aged men who are mean to their wives. But sometimes, it helps to remember that, even if it doesn’t seem like it, it’s usually a man who is struggling. This does not excuse his treatment of you. And you would be within your rights to say something or excuse yourself the next time it happens.

what to observe: What you really want to be observant about is noticing if their frustration turns into indifference. Don’t believe it, indifference is more dangerous to a marriage than anger or frustration, at least in my opinion. A man who distances himself from his marriage can eventually become indifferent. And this is when his emotions and his commitment to you can fade.

I don’t want to scare you. Many men eventually come to their senses and escape the midlife crisis without a hitch. For many, it is a temporary situation. But you want to be aware of that indifference. Because the sooner you address it, the better it will be for preserving the health of your marriage.