On becoming my own cosmic wizard

I’ve been trying to figure out exactly where the highest love in my world is; so that I can go there. If that means I have to move, so be it. It is a challenging concept for me to think about: Where do I feel most supported? With whom do I feel most appreciated? Who do I really enjoy company with? Who really enjoys my company? Who is looking for me? Who can I teach? Where can I grow more? What exactly do I want to develop in myself during this new beginning? What kind of growth would I like to see in myself?

When my husband was dying, he was so full of regrets. He was a great worker. He worked all the time. Weekends. Hours of the night. Overtime. In the months leading up to his death, he often apologized to me for the time he couldn’t spend with me … and for the time he chose to work on me. He said he thought he would have more time. Truth be told, we both thought he would have more time. How could we have known? All I know is that I don’t want those regrets. My husband’s death scared me so much, even shocked me, and made me live my life completely on purpose. I have to live now … fully … from now on … with no exceptions. No apologies. I cannot allow his death to be in vain. He does not deserve it. He was too good a man.

So, I’m living my life fully conscious and aware now for the first time in a long time — since I was a little kid and believed that I could really do anything and be whoever I wanted or needed to be … and since before the break . I have discovered that I am tired of waiting for the world. I’m not making excuses for not chasing my dreams. I sing and laugh out loud now. I do cartwheels in my living room. I dance, even with the curtains open sometimes again. I jump across open fields like when I was a child and my adult teeth are still sticking out. I ride my bike without hands. I walk barefoot through the grass after the rain. I always let the sun dry my hair … and I often order dessert first and eat it much more often. How can I not, after seeing my beloved husband vanish in front of me? I do not! Not! I’m chasing everything! I am reaching, stretching … holding on to my future and actively participating in its creation on all levels. I have become my own cosmic wizard.