Online Dating: Should I Fly To Meet This Person Or What?

If you have any connection with online dating, chances are you faced the possibility of meeting someone far away. There’s something very romantic about this notion, almost (or, um, exactly) reminiscent of Sleepless In Seattle. I mean, how murderous is it to go around the world for the right woman?

Awarded. And if it works, it is amazing. But let’s talk about all this for a bit. I am confident that from this conversation you will be able to delve into potential situations armed with more wisdom than ever.

First of all, let’s take a look at how two people find themselves in this situation to begin with. It is no secret that some dating sites have created their software to connect as many people as possible. If a site is one of the minor players, which translates to fewer subscribers, it is likely to be encouraged to communicate with more people in other states (or countries) than it would on Match.com or Yahoo Personals. Instant messenger “pen pals” come out of this, and this is great, but sooner or later, you are likely to notice – and speak to – someone who amazes you but is in Alaska or somewhere that might as well be. If you don’t want to be tempted by someone on another coast who is giving you warmth, join a larger dating site and keep your searches close.

Now, if you live in a very remote area with a very small group of fishing dates, this kind of long-distance interaction made possible by the magic of the internet may be the best thing that can happen to you.

However, like the vast majority of us in this country, I am fortunate to live in a major metropolitan area. My thought process has gravitated toward the notion that if I live in a city of over a million people and can’t find someone to hang out with here, I need to look in the mirror and consider that the problem could be my own. . Read that last line again. Does it speak to you?

On the other hand, there is the whole concept of the perfect soulmate. I am undecided on this (see future article), but there is no doubt that there is a possibility that your absolute best option in a long-term partner does not live in your city. I will not rule that out.

Okay, so if you’re going to do this kind of thing, what is there to know?

First, do as much grading as you can before the meeting. Speak. A lot of. Forget about photos, spend $ 20 on a webcam and use it. Images do not capture gestures, etc. as the camera does.

Next, if you are in a remote area and the person you are speaking to is in, say, Los Freaking Angeles, you should ask this person what prompts you to search outside of a metropolitan area of ​​12 million people. Should. And don’t accept any responses from Pollyanna (eg “You are special”, “I wanted to move to Egypt, ND anyway”, etc.). Check out my previous article titled “Signs Your Marriage Date May Be Married” for a refresher course on other reasons these conversations are important. Use your judgment here. An example of an acceptable response might come in the form of “I’m a native of Texas here in New York, and I really want to settle down with someone I can relate to better.” Take off your blinders and listen during this conversation.

Next, find out who is going to do the “heavy lifting” when it comes to travel. As chivalrous as I consider myself to be a man, he should not be automatically charged by man. Let’s use the potential situation from the previous paragraph as an example. If Boy lives in Los Angeles and Girl lives in Egypt, ND common sense says that the two of you would have a much better chance of having a great weekend together if Girl flies Boy over. As for the costs of all this, consider who has the most resources. If Girl is traveling on business and has 500,000 frequent flyer miles that she will never be able to use (unless, ironically, she knows the right man to travel with), then there is no point in the guy buying a ticket. You get the idea. I personally believe that when both people have an investment in a weekend like this, they are both more committed to its success.

Then make all the logistical arrangements for the visit and communicate it clearly. Whoever is flying must book a hotel. This takes a lot of pressure off the situation, which, trust me, will be an advantage. If the two of you decide to cancel the hotel, that’s your business, but having the option was good planning nonetheless.

Read the sentence that follows this twice: If you are traveling by plane to meet someone you have never met or barely know, make flight and hotel reservations in an absolutely positive way that has great flexibility. If it costs a reasonable amount more for a fully refundable reservation, please do so. This way, if things go wrong quickly (or heck, what if the other person completely falls apart at the last minute), as a result, you will be less bothered.

We have almost established that if there are plane tickets involved for a first meeting, almost 100% you are doing it because you expect something SPECIAL to happen. People don’t fly cross country for casual adventures, and even if they did, what I’m about to say will probably still be true.

Okay so where does the rubber meet the road? Right here: ONLY TWO THINGS CAN HAPPEN when people meet like this:

1) “I’m frustrated!” v1.0 You learned (and usually very quickly) that there was no chemistry in real life. Or worse yet, the other one did. You feel angry and / or cheated, disappointed, empty, hurt, cheated. A lot of time, excitement, and $$$ went into this, and it didn’t work out. I even heard the story of someone who got off the plane, met the person, and immediately went back to the check-in counter to change the ticket for the next outbound flight. That will surely cause a feeling of emptiness. And what’s more, now what are you going to do all weekend?

2) “I’m frustrated!” v2.0 Unlike casual first dates close to home, these weekend trips are inevitably touted like crazy by both participants. So what if it falls short? It’s everything you dreamed it would be. Um … Now what? They split up after Some Enchanted Weekend and are still 2000 miles apart from each other, except now they’re obsessed! How often are they going to reasonably see each other? And how will you develop this relationship? Who is going to move eventually and inevitably? And when the move happens, how do you know things will still be wonderful when you start spending more casual blocks of time together?

Don’t fool yourself. Ending the weekend with a feeling of, “That was so nice. It was fun to get away and have a little fun, and now I’ve made a good friend that I can remember from time to time and keep talking like before” is a fairy tale. . There is no chance that either person leaves the weekend feeling this way, much less both. If you disagree, I am open to your counterpoint, but I think this is true.

Blind optimism translates to being completely naive when it comes to these things. Always keep that in mind. If you have good stories, reach out to a brother and I’ll print some of them in the next “Letters” segment.