struggling with residual feelings

It’s over, but something still bothers you. The two decided to go their separate ways because things just weren’t working out. Neither of you could think of a good reason to continue the relationship. However, now that you are separated, you still think about him/her; you keep wondering what he/she is doing throughout the day; You’re still visiting her Facebook page to see what’s going on in her life (her status, eg, single, in a relationship, married); or you miss having him under the same roof with you. The breakup may have been ugly and you thought that as soon as you were apart, you’d just be entertaining thoughts of “bon voyage.” You thought that once you had your freedom, you would celebrate not having to answer to him anymore; no longer having to clean up after him/her; or no longer having to deal with every conversation that ends in an argument.

But now you are experiencing feelings that confuse you. You think you must be crazy because all you could think of before was closing the relationship. You couldn’t wait until it was over. However, now you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about these conflicting feelings because they will definitely think you are crazy. Wasn’t it recently that they had to listen to you talk over and over again about how unhappy you were in the relationship? Did they disagree with you that the other party wasn’t right for you, didn’t deserve you, or could possibly be the worst thing that ever happened to you? Didn’t they encourage you to end this disastrous relationship? So how do you tell them that you now have lingering feelings and expect them to sympathize with you? How do you explain that sometimes you miss “the worst thing that ever happened to you”? You feel miserable because you feel guilty about these conflicting feelings. You can’t let this secret out because something has to be wrong with you (according to you). You’re sure everyone will think less of you if you mention the word “miss” in the same sentence with the person you broke up with. Well, there is an explanation and you can stop feeling like you’re crazy. By the way, you have a lot of company, and just like you, they’re not going to tell anyone about their struggles with residual feelings.

A relationship (good or bad) eventually becomes a part of us. What becomes a part of us isn’t always easy to discard at the exact moment we declare it over. Don’t beat yourself up for any conflicting feelings you may be experiencing. We all know that we can’t necessarily control our thoughts. We can’t always help how we feel. But what we do have control in most situations is what we do, the action we take. So just because you struggle with feelings of missing the other person, don’t beat yourself up. However, that doesn’t mean you should call him and arrange to meet. Those who give in to these feelings will tell you that as soon as the meeting is over, they are left with feelings of regret, emptiness, or disappointment that gave way to wanting to meet with Mr./Mrs. Bad even for a moment. You may miss him because he was a part of her life during the time you were together. There was some interaction and as a result of that interaction certain bonds were formed. There was a connection, bond, union, attachment of some kind and that’s what you’re missing. So when these feelings of missing you come up, don’t rush it and act on it. Believe it or not, your inaction is not going to kill you. If you still struggle with sexual attraction to him/her, remember that sex is not interchangeable with love. So if you act on the sexual attraction, after the act is over, you’ll still be left with the feelings, memories, and incidents that led to the breakup in the first place.

You are going to be overwhelmed with feeling disappointed in yourself wondering how you could put yourself in such a position with the same man/woman you used to argue fiercely with; the same man/woman you accused of being the worst thing that ever happened to you; the very man/woman you couldn’t wait to cut out of your life. At some point, sex will not be satisfying because sex is not necessarily making love. Sex can happen without an ounce of feeling. It can be an act alone without any emotion, care, or consideration attached to it. So if you’re feeling confused and think that one more date with him/her will make you feel better, fix the issues that caused you to break up, or satisfy your feelings of longing and/or loneliness, you better be prepared for fleeting satisfaction. . You can’t be mad at him/her because you made a decision where you ended up having sex when you expected to make love or vice versa. It is up to you to be clear about what you expect as a result of your decision. If you did it just for sexual pleasure, that’s probably what you’ll get, nothing more. If you are anticipating lovemaking that will result in reconciliation, you must be clear about giving the other party the opportunity to make the same decisions that you want to be available to you. If you don’t believe their reasoning, stay away until you believe one or the other. We must be willing to be held accountable for whatever our decisions are. It makes the fight so much easier when you are honest with yourself.

This is how you handle the struggle with residual feelings. Acknowledge them, but don’t give them credit (authority, weight, trust). Focus on the word “residual”. It means remaining, excess, etc. and you deserve so much better than that. When you decided it was time to move on; they wanted to live again and not merely coexist with each other; you wanted to be in love with him/her and be loved by him/her – not just tolerate him/her and be tolerated by him/her, it was because you were ready to be whole, you wanted a fresh start and a chance at a substantive, satisfying, pleasurable and passionate. So when residual feelings come up and start to bother you, remember what they are: leftovers, leftovers, waste, etc. With this knowledge, the fight should become easier and easier. In time, there will be no fighting. Your patience, perseverance, and refusal to act on residual feelings are the reasons why you will prevail.

Pamela Reaves © February 9, 2012