The ugly truth about male and female communication

Since the movie ‘The Ugly Truth About Men and Women’ came out, some of the gender-specific generalizations have been revised. Like it or not, there are some specific strengths and weaknesses that couples have to deal with. The question is not whether or not you like them, it is how you deal with them in your relationship.

Gender differences in communication

Maltz and Borker first proposed in their theory of the two cultures that the differences in the conversational style of men and women are due to the fact that they are part of different subcultures. Let’s take a look at some common gender differences:

Interpretation of minimal positive responses

Minimum positive responses (= cheerleaders) are nods and comments like ‘hmm’, ‘OK’, ‘yes’ and ‘yes’ and are part of most conversational interactions. Although both genders use them, research has found that men ascribe different meanings to them than women. For women, these entertainers mean: I hear you, go on. Men give a stronger meaning: I agree with you or I follow your argument until now.

Obviously, this can lead to serious misunderstandings and frustrations, as women indicate that they are listening more often than men would indicate agreeing.

Collaborative versus competitive

The conversational style is learned from peers during growth, who during the formative years (between five and fifteen) are mainly of the same sex. Women’s speaking style is often collaborative and interactive in nature, while men’s speaking style is more competitive and based on monologues.

Women seem to use more of the pronouns “we” and “us”, which explicitly acknowledge the existence of the other person, while men more often speak of themselves using the pronoun “I”.

Conversational flow

Given the point above, it’s no wonder women are more interested in keeping the conversation flowing. They tend to ask more questions than men, which can turn a conversation into a question-and-answer interview, where the man feels questioned.

Men are more likely to interrupt, challenge or dispute their partner’s points, which can lead to a ‘silent protest’ in women’s response.

Conclusions.

So when men and women are in conversation, it becomes obvious how to explain the most common complaints in male-female interaction:

1. Men think that women always agree with them and then conclude that it is impossible to know what a woman really thinks.

2. Women get angry at men who never seem to listen, who interrupt or challenge them.

3. Men want to offer solutions and get on with things, while women want to discuss something collaboratively and feel heard, before moving on to a solution.

Remember: expect differences between men and women in any conversation. If you expect your partner to be the same as you, you are fooling yourself and expecting the impossible.