Domestic Violence: Warning Signs

It is incomprehensible to most people that the person they are dating or in love with could hurt them. Most of the time it is friends or family who initially see something. They could tell you that something is ‘not right’ in the relationship. It is estimated that more than 60% of relationships have some form of abuse.

Reports from the American Institute on Domestic Violence:

o 85-95% of all survivors of domestic violence are women

o More than 50,000 women are harassed by their intimate partner each year

o 5.3 million women are abused each year

o 1,232 women are killed each year by their intimate partner

o Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women

o Women are more likely to be attacked by someone they know than by a stranger

Who is at risk of domestic violence?

o Women aged 20-34 and, increasingly, adolescent girls

o Women who abuse alcohol or other drugs or whose partners do not

o Women who are poor are at greater risk, because they rarely have the resources

o Battered women increase their risk of murder when they are on the run or are persecuted and killed after leaving. (New York City Department of Health)
Regardless of the rate of violence or who initiates the violence, women are 7-10 times more likely to be injured in intimate violence than men. (Bureau of Justice Statistics).

There are common indicators of potential physical abusers. Instead of denying what others tell you and your thoughts, you should stop and observe your partner’s actions. Answer the following questions about your partner and your relationship.

o Do you feel discouraged or compelled to talk to family, friends, or co-workers?

o Are you jealous of your time, your career, other people in your life?

o Does your partner insist on going with you everywhere?

o Do you have to discuss activity plans, people you will be with and why you are going to do something with him/her before you can do it?

o Does he/she play mind games?

o Are you jealous of your success?

o Do you act negatively with authority figures?

o Do you believe that the man makes the decisions?

or insult you?

o Does he/she put you down or talk badly about you?

o Does he blame you if something goes wrong?

o Does he/she deny your opinion, feelings, ideas, etc.?

o Does he get violent when he drinks alcohol?

o Do you come from an abusive or highly dysfunctional home? While not everyone is a potential abuser if they come from an abusive or highly dysfunctional family, there are reasons to consider their long-term behavior versus their current “winning you over” behavior. The signs of an abusive person can be extremely subtle. Such as: Mini-bursts of anger; frequent use; Disregard for the rights of others; Frequent negativity; Mental games; Hostility towards authority; Casting murder and/or abuse like–he/she deserved it.

o Do you use shame and/or guilt to control a situation or get away with it?

o Lose your temper and throw things, hit objects or mistreat animals?

o Do you downplay any act of aggression as a minor incident?

o Do you characterize domestic violence as an exaggeration or a myth?

These indicators are more than indicators: they are varying degrees of emotional abuse and a precursor to possible physical abuse.

Those who are in an abusive relationship rarely consider that they are part of the equation. In other words, it takes two people to create domestic violence. How do you fit the equation? Answer the following questions.

o Do you have low self-esteem? People who abuse others seek out people they find easy to control, manipulate, and create power. Low self-esteem sets the stage.

o Do you come from an abusive or highly dysfunctional home? As noted above, being from an abusive or highly dysfunctional family does not mean that you will attract an abuser; however, the probability is significantly high. Growing up in an abusive and/or dysfunctional home fosters the impression that the ups and downs of abuse are equated with love, after all people. [your parents], who claimed to love you more emotionally and physically hurt you. And even though you didn’t like her; so you look for someone who will give you the same ‘kind of love’, the kind that hurts, because he feels so good in the pain.

o Do you believe in traditional and stereotyped relationship roles?

o Do you accept responsibility for disagreements or arguments, apart from your own behavior?

o Do you accept responsibility for your behavior to keep the peace?

o Do you walk on eggshells to keep the peace?

o Do you accept the myths about domestic violence?

o Do you say to yourself, “I can handle it, it’s not that bad.”

o Do you feel guilty if he/she gets angry or jealous?

o Do you allow yourself to be controlled because you think the person wouldn’t if they didn’t love you?

o Do you think that jealousy is proof of love?

o Do you think that some type of abuse is normal in an intimate relationship?

These indicators are emotional, but keep in mind that emotional abuse precedes physical abuse without exception. Emotional abuse is simply a warning sign, and if you pay attention to the warning signs, you can protect yourself by not being in the relationship. If you’re already in the relationship, because you didn’t see the warning signs (there are warning signs for sure), you’ll be able to pay attention to them and get out before they turn into physical abuse.

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the questions, you are in a relationship that could progress to physical abuse unless there is immediate and effective professional intervention. Both should seek career guidance separately. Accepting that you play a role in the abuse equation and taking responsibility on your part is the first step to reconciliation, whether it’s resolving the issues or parting ways with the company. Likewise, the other person must recognize that her behavior is not acceptable and you must accept that she will allow you to continue abusing you if she continues in the relationship as she is.