My spouse wants a divorce and now I’m not sure how to handle it

To say that many of us are in shock when our husband says he wants a divorce is an understatement. Even if we knew our marriage was in trouble and we knew our husband was thinking of leaving, it is still very shocking and disturbing when he utters the “d” word.

And frankly, many of us respond with anger and sadness. It is very easy to get defensive and angry. It’s normal to have thoughts like, “Who is he to think that he can make all the decisions in marriage? How can he dismiss us so easily? How can he make this decision so lightly?”

As a result of all these thoughts and feelings, many of us are tempted to lash out at him. A wife might describe it this way: “I’m not sure how I’m supposed to act around my husband now. Two weeks ago, I was walking on eggshells, but I was trying so hard to be sweet. Because I knew my husband was not here. happy. And I was trying to change things. But last night, he told me that he wanted a divorce and was eventually going to apply for one. I’m surprised by this, but my first emotion was anger and not sadness. I’m not sure why I felt like that. I’m usually pretty laid-back. But I find myself being incredibly rude and sarcastic with my husband. I’m just mad at him. Not that he didn’t know we were having problems. We certainly do. But I’m very disappointed in him because he’s not willing to try to figure this out. He gave up so easily and so quickly. We haven’t even tried therapy yet. “I plan to fight for our marriage. And yet six months ago, he told me he would. This disappoints me very much. “At work, he called me to tell me something about one of our children. I was very short with him. In fact, I ended up hanging up on him. My coworker overheard the conversation and tells me that I am doing this in a way Completely wrong. She says I need to be sweet to my husband. I’m not so sure about this. I used to want to save my marriage and tried the ‘sweet’ tactic before, but now I’m angry. I’m worried what the divorce will do to them. my kids. Ideally, I’d like to avoid him. But right now, I can’t seem to control my emotions. I feel like he’s the enemy. How is he supposed to treat a spouse who wants a divorce? “

Determination of your long-term goals: How you treat it depends on your long-term goals. The central question is whether or not you want to save your marriage eventually. If that’s a long shot (and it seems like it is), then you don’t want to do anything to make it impossible.

And think about this. Even if she finally gets divorced, she will have to deal with this man for the rest of her life because of her children. For her sake, you want to have the best relationship possible, even if the relationship is no longer romantic.

I understand your anger. Although my husband sought separation before the divorce, I was furious with him. I was very disappointed in him. But instead of showing him my anger, I showed him my despair. This is also not advisable, because it caused so much tension between us that my husband began to avoid me.

Finding the balance between being honest and being optimistic: I think it is better to be honest, but also positive. I don’t think you have to pretend that you are okay with the divorce when you are not. Your husband probably didn’t believe this anyway. I think it’s okay for him to know that you’re disappointed.

But if you make him your enemy or adversary, then it will seriously damage your chance to reconcile later. However, if you try to make it look like you’re on the same side because you want to preserve a relationship for the sake of your children (which is probably true), then you put yourself in a much better position.

If you have a good relationship, he doesn’t need to avoid you. It will likely still give you access to it. And you’re laying the groundwork for a possible improvement in your relationship, which could precede a reconciliation later on. I know you’re not sure you want one right now, but I think you always want to retain your ability to change your mind later.

So to answer the original question, I think it’s okay to allow your frustration and disappointment to show, but I think it’s best to treat your spouse with respect and cooperation. You want to create an atmosphere of “being in this together” because this maintains access to your husband and this allows you to try to improve the relationship. It also gives you a chance to reconcile later.

I can tell you that not all spouses who say they want a divorce don’t end up showing up. Things change. Marriages get better. But if you want to keep this option possible, you cannot position yourself as his enemy or act in a way that makes him avoid it.