Sex and dating during divorce

“Is it okay if I go out on a date?” asked my client, “John.” He had filed for divorce and rented his own apartment. “After fighting with my wife for two years, I would like to be with someone who is glad to have me around.”

I get this question all the time as a divorce attorney. And, my simple answer is always the same: “Not until your divorce is final.” But, life is rarely simple. “John” was lonely and stressed. Meeting someone new, feeling desirable again, and having fun seemed like a great idea. So despite my precautions, and like many customers, “John” decided it “wouldn’t hurt” to take a friend’s offer to fix it. Anticipating this, I gave “John” the do’s and don’ts of getting divorced.

Unfortunately, there are more things you shouldn’t do than there should be, but first let’s clarify what is meant by “dating.” Legally, “dating” means one-on-one social contact with another person, usually of the opposite sex. There is no distinction between platonic contacts and those that are romantic or sexual, although from a practical point of view, romantic/sexual relationships are the ones that attract scrutiny and cause complications.

The reason divorce attorneys advise against dating while the divorce is pending, even if you are separated, is that it has the potential to increase both the cost and stress of the divorce trial. You’re not supposed to date if you’re married. Judges, however, rarely punish someone who begins dating, whether sexual or otherwise, once they have physically separated from their spouse.

Still, the presence of someone new, particularly when displayed in front of the spouse and/or children, can infuriate the soon-to-be ex-husband or wife, and also create suspicion that the relationship began as an “affair” before the separation. The new innocent friend may be deposited by the other party’s attorney (ie, questioned under oath) and subpoenaed to testify at trial. The purpose is to determine exactly when the relationship began, if it was sexual, if any marital property was transferred, such as how much money was spent dating this person, and if the spouse said anything that could be used against or against you. her at trial. Even if everything is up, the result is a lot of unnecessary hassle and cost.

But, for those who aren’t willing to wait, here are some guidelines for dating while you’re getting divorced:

The Don’ts:

o Do not even consider dating until you are physically separated, even if you or your spouse agree that the marriage is over. It could be cited as a reason the marriage failed and lead a judge to award more of the marital property to your spouse.

o Once separated, go out with the greatest property, particularly around your children. Do not do anything in front of them that you would not feel comfortable describing in front of a judge. Avoid introducing them to your new girlfriend. It is likely that she will exacerbate her grief and could jeopardize her future custody rights.

o Do not become pregnant or get someone else pregnant before the divorce is final. It will continue your case until after the baby is born so the court can verify who the father is and determine custody and support requirements.

The to do:

o Socialize in groups, being careful not to pair up with anyone.

o It is okay to attend events individually and socialize. If you meet someone you like, be honest about your situation. Exchange contact information, but avoid one-on-one contact until you are at least apart.

o Find a support group for people going through a divorce. Typically, these will be offered at churches or other non-profit organizations.