What to do when your husband gives up on your marriage

Yesterday I received an email from a wife who wanted some advice from me. Her husband had informed her that he had decided to “give up” on her marriage. He told her that he felt there was nothing either of them could do or say to save the marriage and that it was better to get away and cut her losses before things turned sour and really ugly.

The wife disagreed. She felt that with a little work and cooperation, the marriage could be saved. I agreed with her, as I think there are really only a few marriages that cannot be rescued from the brink. Unfortunately, however, the tactics she was using to change his mind were completely flawed. She had serious doubts that they would work. In fact, I suspected that they would have only made the situation worse. In the next article, I’ll share with you the advice I gave her on how to talk a husband out of giving up on your marriage in a way that overcomes her resistance.

Look at the terminology you are using and the picture you are painting:Too often when we wives want to motivate our husbands to work with us to save the marriage, we use some very unfortunate language that just inspires the exact opposite of what we want. We try to convince him to “fight for our marriage” or “work on our relationship.” Do these things sound pleasant to you? “Struggle?” “Labor?” This sounds like an undesirable thing to do at work, but you don’t necessarily like it.

Then, when the husband does not respond to these pleas as we wanted, we proclaim that he has “given up.” Again, this has a very negative connotation. In order to save her marriage, she will eventually need to be on board and at least be a little cooperative. She’s not as likely to get these things if she uses language that implies she’ll have to dig, roll up her sleeves, punch in, and get on the assembly line.

So what is the best way? You want to imply that what you are asking him to do is going to be pleasurable. But, there is often a catch, right? Because he’s probably already started ignoring you. He has already decided that nothing is ever going to change. He has already watched how you have tried different things and failed, and how you have talked yourself out of it, and yet no real change ever comes. So you can’t keep talking, talking, talking. You have to take action instead. And you shouldn’t even tell him you’re doing this. If you do, he’ll just resist you a lot more, since he’s been warned.

Let this play out properly: Remember that we are going to let our actions speak for us. But, you’re going to have to set this up first. So, just tell her husband that you’re sorry to hear he’s given up. For your part, this saddens you, but you realize that you cannot control his thoughts or how he feels. Still, you are worried about losing the relationship, no matter what happens with the marriage. You want to maintain a positive relationship, so your only focus will be on making this process as painless as possible. You want to stay as positive as possible. The reason you are doing this is because you absolutely need to change their perception of you from negative to positive. You want him to see that being with you can be quite harmonious.

You may have to be patient for this to happen. You may resist at first. However, there will be times when you will need to be together and interact and you will have to make the best of this situation every time it occurs.

Remind him who and what you were: The woman who emailed me really felt like things were hopeless. She was sure that her husband no longer loved her or found her attractive. She kept repeating “we have nothing in common. We are more like roommates”. These things were probably true. But still I reminded him that we already know that it is possible for the two of them to connect on a very positive level. They had already done this. They were once deeply in love and at the time they seemed to have a lot in common.

But circumstances were different then. They did not have the stressors of adult life. They weren’t trying to hold down two jobs or raise children or make their mortgage and car payments. Still, he believed that if they could put these burdens on the back burner and recreate the willingness to focus only on their positive feelings when they fell in love, things would start to lighten up. I recommended the wife a couple of good books to read in preparation for this and told her to always focus on creating lighthearted and fun encounters that didn’t even mention what was going on with the marriage.

We’ll see how this works, but I have to tell you that I’ve seen it work countless times. As soon as you bring out those qualities that he loved about you, the tension begins to subside. He starts to get a little less resilient and a little more willing. Eventually, he begins to initiate contact and becomes more willing to believe that things can change. When he does, you should continue what you’re doing. Don’t go back to the negative and neglectful things that got you here in the first place. Always remember that if you can maintain a steady flow of affection, appreciation, and attention, it will go a long way in keeping you and your husband on board so that neither of you wants to give up on the marriage.