How can I save my marriage when my husband says he wants to be alone?

Here’s your classic catch 22 to save your marriage. The marriage is in real trouble and there are some serious things that need to be fixed quickly and things haven’t been said. You know you could work things out if your husband was receptive to you. If he just gave you his full attention for a very short period of time, you could figure this out. The longer the tension remains, the worse things get. You feel like moving in and cleaning up this mess. But you’ve indicated that you need space, you want some alone time, and you need to fly alone for a while. So how can you handle this? If you give him the space he asks for, things will only seem to get worse. But, if you push him, he just gets angrier and walks further away. It may seem like there is no “right” or perfect answer, but there is a compromise that will seemingly allow both of you to get what you want. You will need to be a little patient and you will need to follow the plan to the letter, but it can be done. I will explain it below.

The annoyance is not endearing: Before I go any further, I must warn you that endlessly harassing your husband is not the answer. Many women will take what I call the “wear it down” tactic. You think that if you keep pestering him, he will eventually give in just to calm you down. (This is the same tactic little kids use, by the way.)

Even if he “gives up” and throws up his hands, he’s going to have a lot of anger and resentment. You just hurt your cause instead of helping it. She will pretend to be listening only because she doesn’t want the disturbance, but she is only listening to the background noise. She’s not internalizing anything you’re saying, not really. She’s just pacifying you. So if you REALLY want to save your marriage (where it’s kept up and he’s honestly involved), bugging him is not the way to go. In truth, this is only making him associate everything about you with negative emotions. You want him to smile or feel positive when he thinks of you. This is not the way to do it.

He wants to be alone, so give him what he wants (at least in the short term): Your husband has made it very clear that he wants to be alone for a while. So take him at his word. Honestly, he expects you to cause a big scene and do everything in your power to change his mind. Whose. Because if you continue to act in the same way, then the same unsatisfying cycle continues. Could you do it better.

Now, I think letting him out of the house should be avoided if he can help it. (I know sometimes you can’t). However, you are better off leaving and staying with friends. (If this is not possible, at least give him his space at home). Many people will passionately resist this. But, this step is very necessary. Because you are showing that you are trying to help him get what he wants and you are giving him time to miss you. You want him to remember the graceful and loving way you handled this when he replays it in his head (and he will, I promise).

Before you go though, you need to properly set up your output. Sit him down and tell him that you love him and that you want him to be happy. Assure him that you have heard his request to be alone, so you are complying. Assure him that you will use this alone time to his advantage as well. Agree that a break could be good for both of you. Be optimistic and practical. Don’t be overly dramatic or emotional. Say it as clearly as you can without getting into arguments or tears. Approach him from a place of compassion, but make sure he realizes that you are doing this for both yourself and him.

What to do while giving your husband space: This is the part that many women dread. They worry that he will go out and behave badly, that mistakes will be made that cannot be reversed. This may be true if you had put up a big fight and handled this incorrectly, but many women are surprised that the “break” or “alone time” turns out to be so much shorter than they expected.

The husband is very intrigued by sudden changes in you. This forces him to want to determine what is going on. And, now he plays right into your hands. Do you see what you have done? Now he approaches you. He’s the one initiating contact now. This is exactly the position you want to be in. You are moving from a position of weakness to one of power. What you do next is the most important step of all.

The last step:This is where so many women go one step further. Once her husband starts to be receptive again, now all of a sudden they want to stop biting their tongues right away. They’ve been dying to talk and fix things, so all these words and emotions start pouring out of them. What happens? The husband immediately thinks, “Okay, well, here he is. Here I thought he was actually on the mend, but he was just delaying what he knew was coming.”

You can’t have him thinking this. Instead, what you want to show him is an extension of the woman who just intrigued him. Carry on with this optimistic, calm and open woman who started to change things. There will be time to say what she wants and needs later, but first, she must make sure that she has a husband who is completely on board and that she absolutely wants to be there.