How do we choose a partner? A guide to personal relationships

When you see a couple, the relationship is usually one of two types: either they seem like a perfect match (and you can bet it’s a lifelong partnership), or you wonder what the hell could keep those two people together (and I bet you). they won’t last long). Interestingly, a split is equally likely and usual in both cases. Another interesting observation is that in both cases it often seems that opposites attract. So why do we judge some couples as perfect and others as totally mismatched? And what does that tell us about the relationship itself on the inside?

In a nutshell, in an apparent “perfect match,” the partners work toward a common goal, while in an apparent “total mismatch,” the two have different, deeply entrenched goals. It is important to note that, in both cases, the partners use each other to achieve their goal and that is precisely what unites them (for whatever time).

Let’s look at a couple working towards the same goal: achieving perfection, for example. Partners will use each other to achieve their common goal and may often employ different methods. Thus, one of them could be an extrovert and conflict seeker (so that justice prevails and perfection is achieved), while the other could be an introvert and conflict avoider (so that peace prevails and perfection is achieved). In fact, opposites attract (and serve and teach each other), but deep down, this couple is driven by the same underlying motivation: perfection. And their deep-seated common goal is precisely what will harmonize the couple’s energy fields in a way that makes most people look at them and think they’re a perfect match.

Now, let’s take a look at a couple that is perceived as less than harmonious on the surface. This will be a couple where the partners are driven by two very different sets of underlying motivation. For example, we may have a humble, highly educated, and unassuming CEO of a large company, married to a loud, flamboyant, lower-educated housewife who says “money can buy anything.” Her motivation is power (and she has fulfilled it through her husband’s money); her motivation is to serve others (and he fulfills it by serving his company and his wife). Here again opposites attract, but this time the underlying motivation driving the two partners is very different. As a result, the energy fields they radiate are more likely to be in dissonance and that is precisely what makes you think they are a total mismatch.

A logical question that arises at this point is whether a perfect match is more likely to stay together longer than a total mismatch. In reality, both types of relationship could end at any time with the same probability. However, the separation of a seemingly perfect couple is more likely to be friendly, sympathetic and understanding. On the contrary, the separation of an apparent mismatch is more likely to be accompanied by bitterness, revenge, fights or depression (that, of course, also depends on the extent of personal growth work that has been done in each particular case).

So what kind of relationship are you in? What moves you and your partner? Are they both driven by the same underlying motivation, or do they have different motives? Here are some examples of deep-seated goals that drive us in general: survival, power, competition (winning), acceptance, love (togetherness), perfection… Whatever drives you, you’d do well to be aware of it instead of getting caught up in superficial appearances. This will help the relationship grow in the right direction. And remember that every relationship is a teacher, so there is no good or bad as long as they all serve our learning curve and develop our wisdom.